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Posted on the Facebook Worldwide Unified page by Portia Wilcox Louder: 

I shared my story at the MTC (Missionary Training Center) last night. 

“I was baptized a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints when I was eight years old, and became inactive in the church when I was thirteen. I spent several years making one bad decision after another, and was a single mother with two children by the time I was twenty two years old. I remember thinking if I could just find the right man everything would be okay. I needed to find myself! When I found out I was pregnant with my third child I was scared. The father was uninterested in marriage and I knew my kids deserved more than I could give them. I got on my knees and prayed for the first time since I was a little girl and felt warmth come over me. I knew the child wasn't mine to keep. 

When I was looking for David’s family, I met with three lawyers, looked through hundreds of adoption files, and met several families who wanted to adopt. One evening I was sitting in a conference room in a law office, and the secretary asked me if I would like something to drink. 

“Water would be great,” I said, “and I would like to look through more files.” 

“You’ve looked through them all, “she told me. “There’s only one more, and it just came in today.” 

The family’s address hadn’t been blacked out yet, and I noticed they lived close to my parents. There was a picture of a mom and dad and their three boys hugging in front of a Christmas tree. It was David’s family. Each of the boys had written a letter to the birth mom describing why they wanted to have a brother or sister, and each letter was sincere and thoughtful. 

The adoptive parents came to every doctor appointment, and they were in the delivery room with me when David was born. I was able to see them hold him for the first time. 

Being David’s birth mom was an honor, but after David’s birth I felt empty inside and I started using prescription drugs. I won’t ever forget the look in my mother’s eyes as I came home late one night. 

“Why isn’t this enough for you?” she asked. “Your little boy has been sitting by the window all night waiting for you. I don’t understand why your children aren’t enough for you, Portia.” 

It wasn’t anger I saw in my mother’s eyes, it was sadness; she had given up on me. 

I carried my little boy down the stairs, curled up on the floor, and sobbed. “Why are you so sad, Mom? My son asked

“I am such an ugly person. How did I become this person?” 

“Don’t be sad, Mom; you’re beautiful. Come look in the mirror and see how pretty you are.” My heart broke that night. 

It wasn’t easy to climb out of the hole I was in. I walked over to the bishops house the next day and asked for help. I went to twelve-step meetings and walked away from everyone I knew. 

Within a few years I met my husband Chad, and we were sealed in the Mount Timpanogos temple. My children were six and ten years old and Chad raised them as his own. I started a photography business and woke up every day grateful for what we had. 

A few years after we were married, Chad and I had our first son together. After Jackson was born I had back surgery and relapsed on prescription drugs. We started building a new home about the same time I relapsed. My business was growing, and we designed our house with a studio in the basement so I could work from home. Within a few months, I found out I was pregnant again. 

The building lots in our neighborhood were appreciating quickly. I started investing in real estate with the hope that I would be able to work less and spend more time with my kids, but it didn’t work out that way. I got involved in illegal real estate deals. 

I spent four and a half years in federal prison. My children grew without me, my marriage withstood the distance, and it stripped away so much of who I thought I was. For three years, I was the only member of the Church at the prison compound I lived at. I prayed with women of all different faiths and was loved and respected there. We were all sisters. The experience helped me develop a testimony that is built on a relationship with my Savior and my Father in Heaven. I learned how valued and loved we all are. 

My husband Chad and I made sacred covenants with our Father in Heaven, and we were promised power and protection. I did my best to repent and live true to those covenants while I was in prison, and I felt that power and protection in a unique way. 

We live in Utah, and I served my prison time in California and Minnesota. I was separated from my husband and children, and frequent visits weren’t possible. I had to get used to living without them, which meant that I got to know myself and the amazing women around me better. 

When I first arrived at the federal prison in Minnesota, the summer weather was beautiful. I was really hurting and desperately seeking comfort. I found a place under a tree in the recreation yard that became my sanctuary. I spent a lot of time under that tree praying for my children.

One day, I was consumed with pain over my children growing up without me, and one of my coworkers offered these uplifting words: 

“Portia, maybe you are feeling weak right now, but I see your incredible strength. I know you are struggling, and I want you to know that you are not alone; you were never alone. We love you. I’ve been praying for you, and there are people who love you and want you to succeed, both in heaven and on earth.” 

Her words comforted my soul. I needed to know that God was mindful of me. She pointed to a planter that was nearby and said, “Aren’t these flowers beautiful? You know, they have to die each year so they can be reborn. What you are going through right now feels like death, but you will get through this and be reborn from it. Someday you will teach people how to go through their own rebirth, because you will have already experienced it. You are in a good place to help others; embrace it.” 

I could see that I had choices. I could choose to use my time wisely. I could choose to serve others. I could choose to be a positive and uplifting influence in my children’s lives, even from afar. I could choose my response to the situation I was in. My choices had led me to prison, but I could choose to be free on the inside. 

I chose to take responsibility for the choices I made, and God gave me the power to move forward. I made a list of everything I had done to hurt anyone. I wrote an outline of my life, using main events, characters, and key experiences to create a spreadsheet. I started with honesty and created categories. I went by age and listed everyone I could think of that I had harmed. 

It took me a few months, and when I got done, I felt like I had accomplished something monumental. As I made my list, I was able to look back at my life in a more objective way, without judgment. The painful feelings I carried turned into love. I had compassion for myself, the people I hurt, and the people who had hurt me. I had a strong desire to reach out and make things right. 

I worked in the Re-entry department in prison. I taught goal setting classes, helped women write their resume’s, and listened to their stories. I think this quote from Victor Hugo in Les Misérables describes my feelings well: 

“You have left a place of suffering. But listen, there will be more joy in heaven over the repentant sinner, than over the robes of a hundred good men. If you are leaving that sorrowful place with hate and anger against men you are worthy of compassion; if you are leaving it with goodwill, gentleness, and peace, you are better than any of us!” 

I stayed in touch with David's adoptive mom, and when I got home from prison he told his mom he would like to meet me. We work on filming projects together, and my youngest daughter CJ has a special bond with him. Giving David up for adoption was hard! But the joy I feel today is indescribable.”

When I got done last night the new missionaries clapped and cheered. I can’t describe how special it was! I couldn’t imagine how beautiful life could get for me as a young single mother. Please don’t ever give up! The best is yet to come!